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Quotes of the Week - Sept 2, 2008:
"It's not because John McCain doesn't care. It's because John McCain doesn't get it." -- US Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama at his party's Denver convention.

"No way. No how. No McCain. Barack Obama is my candidate. And he must be president." -- Hillary Clinton backs Obama at convention.

"In international relations, you cannot have one rule for some and another rule for others." -- Russian president Dmitri Medvedev on recognizing independence of Georgia's breakaway regions, saying the West set a precedent by treating Kosovo the same way.

"I wanted to show myself as I am. I couldn't care less about the camera." -- Designer Valentino Garavani, in a new warts-and-all portrait documentary of half century in fashion.

Topic: Funny Quotes - Famous Funny Quotes, Funniest Sayings, Quotations

Send Funny Greeting Cards to a friend - Select from Funny Quotes below

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is… -- Mark Twain
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me... -- Emo Philips
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl go to bed with... -- Woody Allen
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to... -- Ronald Knox
A hard man is good to find... -- Mae West
A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire... -- Mae West
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's... -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man in the house is worth two in the street... -- Mae West
A man's only as old as the woman he feels... -- Groucho Marx
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on... -- Sam Goldwyn
A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to... -- W.C. Fields
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke... -- Rudyard Kipling
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are... -- Dilbert
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it... -- George Burns
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will... -- Homer Simpson
Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die... -- Homer Simpson
All animals are equal but some are more equal than others... -- George Orwell
All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or... -- Alexander Woollcott
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man... -- Oscar Wilde
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then... -- Mark Twain
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed... -- Winston Churchill
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much... -- Oscar Wilde
An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away... -- Mae West
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy... -- Woody Allen
Another such victory, and we are undone... -- Pyrrhus
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot... -- Groucho Marx
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly... -- Mae West
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because... -- Woody Allen
Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies... -- Oliver Goldsmith
Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the... -- David Brent
Bart, stop pestering Satan!… -- Marge Simpson
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of... -- Homer Simpson
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come... -- Woody Allen
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint... -- Mark Twain
Beer is living proof that God loves us to be happy... -- Benjamin Franklin
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before... -- Mae West
Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to... -- Desmond Morris
But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it... -- George Bernard Shaw
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get... -- Socrates
Chanel No. 5... -- Marilyn Monroe, asked what she wore in bed
Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble... -- Socrates
Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off... -- Ralph Bus
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on... -- Mark Twain
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work... -- Will Rogers
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion... -- Spike Milligan
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done... -- Brendan Behan
Dancing: the vertical expression of horizontal desire... -- George Bernard Shaw
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock... -- Will Rogers
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman... -- George Burns
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love... -- Woody Allen
Don't have a cow, man... -- Bart Simpson
Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer... -- Mae West
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's... -- Groucho Marx
Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for... -- Mae West
Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy... -- Winston Churchill
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of... -- Woody Allen
Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... -- Homer Simpson
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do... -- Homer Simpson
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick... -- Samuel Beckett
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it... -- Oprah Winfrey
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines... -- David Brent
Eat my shorts... -- Bart Simpson
English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England… -- Homer Simpson
Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye... -- George S. Kaufman
Eternity is really long, especially near the end... -- Woody Allen
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there... -- Will Rogers
Every man over forty is a scoundrel... -- George Bernard Shaw
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything... -- Charles D. Warner
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else... -- Will Rogers
Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes... -- Oscar Wilde
First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging... -- Denis Healey
Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate... -- Oscar Wilde
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce... -- Woody Allen
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names... -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was... -- Groucho Marx
Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you... -- Mae West
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet... -- Saint Augustine
Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times... -- Anonymous
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere... -- Mae West
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from... -- Will Rogers
'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'... -- Mae West
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner... -- Woody Allen
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That... -- George Bernard Shaw
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool... -- Groucho Marx
He who can does. He who cannot, teaches... -- George Bernard Shaw
He who fights and runs away May live to fight another day... -- Oliver Goldsmith
He who hesitates is a damned fool... -- Mae West
He who hesitates is last... -- Mae West
Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the... -- George Bernard Shaw
Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems... -- Homer Simpson

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