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Quotes of the Week - Sept 2, 2008:
"It's not because John McCain doesn't care. It's because John McCain doesn't get it." -- US Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama at his party's Denver convention.

"No way. No how. No McCain. Barack Obama is my candidate. And he must be president." -- Hillary Clinton backs Obama at convention.

"In international relations, you cannot have one rule for some and another rule for others." -- Russian president Dmitri Medvedev on recognizing independence of Georgia's breakaway regions, saying the West set a precedent by treating Kosovo the same way.

"I wanted to show myself as I am. I couldn't care less about the camera." -- Designer Valentino Garavani, in a new warts-and-all portrait documentary of half century in fashion.

Topic: Funny Quotes Quotations - Famous Funny Quotes, Sayings, Greetings

Send Funny eCards Greetings to a friend - Select from funny quotes below

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order... -- Spike Milligan
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are... -- Jerome K. Jerome
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as... -- Woody Allen
It is most unwise for people in love to marry... -- George Bernard Shaw
It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things... -- Oscar Wilde
It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies. It is the... -- Oscar Wilde
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember... -- George Burns
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom... -- Joan Rivers
It's better to be looked over than overlooked... -- Mae West
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men... -- Mae West
It's not the people who are in prison worry me. It's the people who aren't... -- Arthur Gore
It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on... -- Marilyn Monroe, on posing nude
It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it... -- Mae West
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when... -- George Burns
It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch... -- Lisa Simpson
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens... -- Woody Allen
It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo... -- David Brent
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls... -- Woody Allen
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you... -- Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it... -- Groucho Marx
I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me... -- Woody Allen
Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition... -- David Brent
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen... -- Mark Twain
Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow... -- Homer Simpson
Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable... -- Woody Allen
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day... -- Homer Simpson
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache... -- Mae West
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage... -- Ambrose Bierce
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises... -- Woody Allen
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female... -- Rita Rudner
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also... -- Homer Simpson
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution... -- Mae West
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation... -- George Bernard Shaw
Men are all alike - except the one you've met who's different... -- Mae West
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need... -- Rita Rudner
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out... -- Rita Rudner
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved... -- Rita Rudner
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced... -- Rita Rudner
Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself... -- Mae West
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms... -- Groucho Marx
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant... -- Spike Milligan
Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy... -- Spike Milligan
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons... -- Woody Allen
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to... -- Woody Allen
Most of the time I don't have any fun. The rest of the time I don't have any... -- Woody Allen
Mr. Right is coming. But He's in Africa and he's walking... -- Oprah Winfrey
My ex-husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken... -- Woody Allen
My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic... -- Spike Milligan
My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all... -- Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which... -- Ronald Reagan
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying... -- Ed Furgol
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one... -- Groucho Marx
My name is Saddam Hussein. I am the president of Iraq, and I want to... -- Saddam Hussein
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else... -- Woody Allen
My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite... -- Woody Allen
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage... -- Winston Churchill
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she... -- Jimmy Durante
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects... -- Les Dawson
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once... -- Jack Benny
Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow... -- David Brent
Never give a sucker an even break... -- W. C. Fields
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is... -- Winston Churchill
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness... -- Aristotle
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly... -- Rita Rudner
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends... -- Woody Allen
Nothing succeeds like excess... -- Oscar Wilde
Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists... -- Bill Vaughan
Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican... -- Lisa Simpson
Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz... -- Janis Joplin
Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love... -- Woody Allen
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives... -- Maurice Chevalier, on 77th birthday
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done... -- Woody Allen
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups... -- Alex Levine
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women... -- Groucho Marx
Operator, give me the number for 911... -- Homer Simpson
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse... -- Groucho Marx
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will... -- Groucho Marx
Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best... -- Oscar Wilde
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does... -- Groucho Marx
Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly... -- David Brent
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are... -- David Brent
Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning... -- George W Bush
Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability... -- David Brent
Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3... -- David Brent
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast... -- Woody Allen
Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is... -- Darrin Weinberg
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year... -- Victor Borge
Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins... -- Mae West
See what will happen if you don't stop… -- Will Rogers, to his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it... -- Woody Allen

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