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Quotes of the Week - Sept 2, 2008:
"It's not because John McCain doesn't care. It's because John McCain doesn't get it." -- US Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama at his party's Denver convention.

"No way. No how. No McCain. Barack Obama is my candidate. And he must be president." -- Hillary Clinton backs Obama at convention.

"In international relations, you cannot have one rule for some and another rule for others." -- Russian president Dmitri Medvedev on recognizing independence of Georgia's breakaway regions, saying the West set a precedent by treating Kosovo the same way.

"I wanted to show myself as I am. I couldn't care less about the camera." -- Designer Valentino Garavani, in a new warts-and-all portrait documentary of half century in fashion.

Topic: Funny Quotes Quotations - Famous Funny Quotes, Sayings, Greetings

Send Funny eCards Greetings to a friend - Select from funny quotes below

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope... -- George Burns
Sex is an emotion in motion... -- Mae West
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you... -- Woody Allen
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon... -- Groucho Marx
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork... -- Oliver Goldsmith
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of... -- Woody Allen
She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong... -- Mae West
Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!… -- David Brent
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle... -- Woody Allen
Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words... -- Woody Allen
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some... -- Joseph Heller
Some people say there is a God; others say there is no God. The truth... -- W.B. Yeats
Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude... -- Bill Shankly
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing... -- W. C. Fields
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch... -- W. C. Fields
Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over… -- Homer Simpson
Stop thinking, and end your problems... -- Lao Tzu
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress... -- Mark Twain
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover... -- Homer Simpson
Thank God I'm an atheist... -- Luis Bunuel
That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing... -- Woody Allen
That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing... -- Sean O'Casey
The Americans will always do the right thing . . . After they've exhausted... -- Winston Churchill
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet and Doctor Merryman… -- Jonathan Swift
The best way to behave is to misbehave... -- Mae West
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex... -- Brendan Behan
The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden…It ends with... -- Oscar Wilde
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it... -- Woody Allen
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers... -- William Shakespeare
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut... -- Groucho Marx
The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination... -- Voltaire
The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train... -- Robert Lowell
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness... -- Jilly Cooper
The minute that you read something that you can't understand, you can... -- Will Rogers
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs... -- Jeanne-Marie Roland
The more I see of the moneyed classes, the more I understand... -- George Bernard Shaw
The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob... -- Anton Chekhov
The Prime Minister has nothing to hide from the President of the United States... -- Winston Churchill
The realisation that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind... -- Samuel Johnson
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated... -- Mark Twain
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed... -- Mark Russell
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that... -- Groucho Marx
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age... -- Lucille Ball
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last... -- Oscar Wilde
There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is... -- Winston Churchill
There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never... -- Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out... -- Mae West
There are three ages of man - youth, age, and 'you're looking… -- Cardinal Francis Spellman
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics... -- Benjamin Disraeli
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe... -- Bob Phillips
There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep... -- Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with… -- Woody Allen
There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says yes... -- Groucho Marx
There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks... -- Salvador Dali
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet... -- Hugh Leonard
There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators... -- Will Rogers
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want... -- George Burns
There's no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary... -- Brendan Behan
There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare... -- Bart Simpson
They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to but they do. They... -- Philip Larkin
They misunderestimated me... -- George W Bush
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others... -- Groucho Marx
To err is human - but it feels divine... -- Mae West
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer... -- Paul Ehrlich
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance... -- Oscar Wilde
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running... -- George Burns
Too much of a good thing is wonderful... -- Mae West
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure... -- Albert Einstein
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a... -- Jim Bishop
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap... -- Will Rogers
Well, all I know is what I read in the papers... -- Will Rogers
What do I think of Western civilisation? I think it would be a very good idea... -- Mahatma Gandhi
What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why... -- David Brent
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case... -- Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse… -- Woody Allen
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries... -- Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce... -- Mark Twain
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money... -- Henny Youngman
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by... -- David Brent
When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence and... -- Brendan Behan
When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served... -- J. P. Donleavy
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant... -- Anonymous
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted... -- Woody Allen
When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing... -- Oscar Wilde
When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better... -- Mae West
When the President does it, that means it's not illegal... -- Richard Nixon
When women go wrong, men go right after them... -- Mae West
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit... -- Albert Einstein
When you have nothing to say, say nothing... -- Charles Caleb Colton
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite... -- Winston Churchill
When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is... -- Helen Rowland
When you see what some women marry, you realise how they must hate... -- Helen Rowland
Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy... -- Oscar Wilde
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food... -- Woody Allen
Winning isn't everything - it's the only thing... -- Vince Lombardi
Woe unto you also, lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne... -- Jesus
Women are as old as they feel - and men are old when they lose their feelings... -- Mae West
Women have a much better time than men in this world. There are far more things... -- Oscar Wilde
Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent... -- Oscar Wilde
Women should be obscene and not heard... -- Groucho Marx
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk.. -- Rita Rudner
Work is the curse of the drinking classes... -- Oscar Wilde
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want... -- Woody Allen
You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they... -- Will Rogers
You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be... -- David Brent
You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back... -- David Brent
You just pick up a chord, go twang, and you're got music... -- Sid Vicious
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'... -- Homer Simpson
You're everywhere. You're omnivorous... -- Homer Simpson, to God
You're never too old to become younger... -- Mae West
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life... -- Herbert Henry Asquith

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