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If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen

If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
John Wayne

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
David Brent

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
David Brent

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
George Burns

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
George Burns

I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen

I'm not normally a religious man, but... if you're up there, save me, Superman!
Homer Simpson

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
Woody Allen

I'm tired, send one of them home.
Mae West
When told there were 10 men waiting to meet her in her dressing-room.

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
George Best

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen

In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Oscar Wilde

Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
Will Rogers

Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.
Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Woody Allen

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
Mae West

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Spike Milligan

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen

It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
George Bernard Shaw

It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.
Oscar Wilde

It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies. It is the successes of one's friends that are hard to bear.
Oscar Wilde

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers

It's better to be looked over than overlooked.
Mae West

It's not the men in my life that counts, it's the life in my men.
Mae West

It's not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's the people who aren't.
Arthur Gore

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Mark Twain

It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
Marilyn Monroe
On posing nude for a calendar photograph.

It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it.
Mae West

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns

It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.
Lisa Simpson

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.
David Brent

It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
Woody Allen

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