There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and
the worst of it is that half of them are true.
There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found
There are three ages of man - youth, middle age, and 'you're
Cardinal Francis Spellman
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus;
he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
There are two types of people in this world: good and bad.
The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking
hours much more.
There are worse things in life than death. If you're ever
spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly
what I mean.
There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him.
If he says yes, you know he is crooked.
There is only one difference between a madman and me. The
madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's
toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open
season on senators.
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men
and women want different things. Men want women and women
There's no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary.
There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they
made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill up with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
They misunderestimated me.
George W Bush
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
To err is human - but it feels divine.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are
busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the universe.
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like
handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the
curb and clap as they go by.
Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.
What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would
be a very good idea.
What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why?
Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't
die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work.
Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that?
Think squirrels. Think nuts.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that
case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating
of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the
Lone Ranger handle this?
When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence
and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could
shoot me in my absence.
When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have
it served in all the pubs in Ireland.
J. P. Donleavy
In The Ginger Man.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I
could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I
got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned
in seven years.
Attributed to Mark Twain, but not found
in his works.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that
she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
When I was young I used to think that money was the most important
thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is.