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I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
Woody Allen

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
David Brent

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
Homer Simpson

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Homer Simpson

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Mae West

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen

Love may be blind, but it can sure find its way around in the dark!
Author Unknown

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Rita Rudner

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
Homer Simpson

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Mae West

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
George Bernard Shaw

Men are all alike - except the one you've met who's different.
Mae West

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Rita Rudner

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Rita Rudner

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Rita Rudner

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself.
Mae West

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have any fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen

Mr. Right is coming. But he's in Africa and he's walking.
Oprah Winfrey

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.
Woody Allen

My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
On US soldiers attacking Baghdad.

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.
Ronald Reagan
US president during radio microphone test.

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Ed Furgol

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx

My name is Saddam Hussein. I am the president of Iraq, and I want to negotiate.
Saddam Hussein
To US troops who captured him in a hole in the ground near Tikrit.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
Woody Allen

My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.
Winston Churchill

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

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