Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting
what you have.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didnt say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame
I don't care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's
how it comes out. - Bill Hicks
I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go
home is a bitch!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter
account. - Conan O'Brien
I have a drinking problem the bars close at 2 AM.
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter
I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough? - Tom Clancy
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. - Albert
I only drink to make other people more sociable.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I prefer old age to the alternative.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers. - Peter Kaye
I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please
save me, Superman! - Homer Simpson
I'm not paranoid, they really are after me.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't
get my head that far up your ass.
If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish
If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most
of his other lies.
If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper,
some idiot would try to pass them.
If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't
be at all surprised.
If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don't succeed, try a shorter bungee.
If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know
what the hell is going on.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work "gay'"?
If I look confused it's because I'm thinking.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good
If you are going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill
If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having
a lot of fun.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well
are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then
If you're not having fun, then you're not doing it right.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks
In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look
like a man.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
It's better to be a well-known drunk that to be an anonymous
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at
It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you
are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look when you
play the game.
It's people that give drinking a bad name.
Im not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.