Tact is the art of making a point without making
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The best things in life aren't things.
The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down
is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're
going to be when you kill them.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
The future will be better tomorrow.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness
of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only certain thing in life is death.
The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good
men to do nothing. - Edmund Burke
The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them. -
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -
The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease
to be amused. - Shirley MacLaine
The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. -
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability
to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch
The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to
become old fools.
The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as
it goes along.
The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no
future in time travel.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good
There are no short cuts to any place worth going. - Beverly
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
- Benjamin Disraeli
There are three types of people - those who can count and those
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There are two types of people - those who divide people into
two types, and those who don't.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people
who ask questions.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease"
was already taken.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Think much, Speak little, Write less.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its
To be is to do - Socrates, To do is to be - Sartre, Do be do
be do - Sinatra.
To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
- Paul Ehrlich
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. - Dale
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are
busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. - George Burns
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. - Mae West
Too much of everything is just enough.
Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and
clap as they go by.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally
Whatever happens, ignore it all.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I was young I was told that anyone could be president.
Now I'm beginning to believe it.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
Work is the curse of the drinking class. - Oscar Wilde
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today
of its strength.
Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets
You are only truly in control of your life when you accept
you are not.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with
a kind word alone. - Al Capone
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.