|Hayley Smith: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stan Smith: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at
them by dating each other!
Stan Smith: Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.
|Newspaper Headline: Israel pulls out of Gaza; Gaza not pregnant.
|Roger the Alien [after knocking out two girls with frying
pan]: Did you see where they went?
Stan Smith: Who?
Roger the Alien: The black guys who did this.
|Stan Smith: I'm a Republican, Roger. Fixing elections is my
bread and butter. You know how many votes George Bush got in
the first election? Seven.
|Stan Smith: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob Merari: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born
Stan Smith: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here
in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.
|Stan Smith: Francine, you be very careful out there today,
we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go
down somewhere in some way at some point in time.
[shouts] So look sharp!
Hayley Smith [sarcastically]: You know, Dad, it's great how
you and your CIA buddies have created a fun little system to
keep the masses paralyzed in fear.
Stan Smith: You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Do you? 'Cause
if the terrorists take over this country that's the first thing
[toast pops up and Stan empties the entire magazine of his handgun
into the toaster]
Hayley Smith: It's just toast, Dad.
Stan Smith: This time it was toast, Hayley. This time.
|Newspaper headline: Optimist Drowns in Half-full Tub.
|Steve Smith: Dad! There you are.
Stan Smith: Of course I'm here. W-Where would I be? Alone, touching
Steve Smith: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.
Stan Smith [Laughs]: Well said, soldier.
|Stan Smith [to pee-ed off Francine]: Why can't you take a
page from that bitch Hillary Clinton and let it go?
|Stan Smith [picks up the phone]: This is Stan Smith.
Principal Lewis: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with
Stan Smith: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call.
I've been ready for this for years.
[starts chugging down pills]
Principal Lewis: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with
power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself
in my office.
Stan Smith: I see.
[foam starts coming out of his mouth]
Stan Smith: Henry, antidote.