If in 1989 I said, ‘I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,’ they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station. – Adam Carolla
Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We’re always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it. – Adam Carolla
When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that. – Adam Carolla
If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it. – Adam Carolla
I don’t think healthcare’s a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is. – Adam Carolla
No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader. – Adam Carolla
I guess my feeling is is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make. – Adam Carolla
I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other. – Adam Carolla
When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds. – Adam Carolla
You don’t realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It’s a card you get so you can navigate society. – Adam Carolla
If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you’ll have a good life. – Adam Carolla
I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that’s out of this world. I’ll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn’t have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food. – Adam Carolla
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I’m just gonna tell her, ‘Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.’ – Adam Carolla
If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’ – Adam Carolla
I mean, we sit around and we go, you know, ‘Torture doesn’t work.’ Well, it’s been around for 5,000 years. Most stuff that doesn’t work goes the way of the dodo pretty quick, like waterbeds and 8-tracks and things like that. – Adam Carolla
If the media isn’t slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin? – Adam Carolla
Honestly, I’ve always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed – that kind of stuff. – Adam Carolla
I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around. – Adam Carolla
I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings. – Adam Carolla
When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much. – Adam Carolla
