President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, ‘I know you’re there, pick up, pick up. – Craig Kilborn
In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series. – Craig Kilborn
I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don’t have an extravagant lifestyle. – Craig Kilborn
They’re saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger. – Craig Kilborn
Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch. – Craig Kilborn
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn’t answer the phone. – Craig Kilborn
John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, ‘What did I ever do to you?’ – Craig Kilborn
The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he’s running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, ‘Four more vowels, four more vowels.’ – Craig Kilborn
New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn’t know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut. – Craig Kilborn
Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush’s budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with ‘Hey, look over there, it’s Saddam Hussein.’ – Craig Kilborn
CBS was very generous in their offer to re-sign me. But I simply want to try something new. – Craig Kilborn
My brother asked me once, ‘Are you a misanthrope?’ And I said, ‘No, I just find people irritating.’ – Craig Kilborn
I enjoyed retirement the right way… linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese. – Craig Kilborn
Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down. – Craig Kilborn
Broadcasting was something, I don’t want to say it came easy, but it’s something I’m comfortable doing. – Craig Kilborn
I used to make fun of young people when I was 17 – the angst, the insecurities, all those tattoos. – Craig Kilborn
People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife. – Craig Kilborn
As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we’ll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription. – Craig Kilborn
