Menu

Free Literature Study Guides
The Great Gatsby
Hamlet

Free Literature Study Guides
The Great Gatsby
Hamlet

Demetri Martin Quotes

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

– Demetri Martin

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.

– Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

– Demetri Martin

I’ve often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn’t like me that way. I’ve definitely done time in the friend zone.

– Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

– Demetri Martin

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

– Demetri Martin

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said ‘Guess’.

– Demetri Martin

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

– Demetri Martin

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

– Demetri Martin

To me, comedy is a game.

– Demetri Martin

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

– Demetri Martin

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’

– Demetri Martin

I like stand-up. But I’d also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there’s people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

– Demetri Martin

A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’

– Demetri Martin

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

– Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

– Demetri Martin

I wasn’t even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know – a lot of my friends are comedians – they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

– Demetri Martin

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

– Demetri Martin

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart – especially if the human is kind of hairy.

– Demetri Martin

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive.

– Demetri Martin

I didn’t do improv in college, I never performed, I didn’t do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

– Demetri Martin

Saying, ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying, ‘ I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.

– Demetri Martin

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is.

– Demetri Martin

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you’re dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

– Demetri Martin

Let no man’s deathbed be a futon.

– Demetri Martin

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

– Demetri Martin

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

– Demetri Martin

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn’t progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

– Demetri Martin

I do come across people who don’t like me, don’t like my comedy, don’t think it’s funny, it’s too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it’s like, ‘Okay. That’s your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that’s good.’ Hopefully it balances out.

– Demetri Martin

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

– Demetri Martin

- 1
- 2
- 3