My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. – Emo Philips
You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. – Emo Philips
Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. – Emo Philips
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. – Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. – Emo Philips
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don’t know I’m firing blanks. – Emo Philips
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks. – Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas. – Emo Philips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’ – Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil. – Emo Philips
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. – Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. – Emo Philips
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. – Emo Philips
People always ask me, ‘Where were you when Kennedy was shot?’ Well, I don’t have an alibi. – Emo Philips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. – Emo Philips
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks. – Emo Philips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, ‘I’m going to mop the floor with your face.’ I said, ‘You’ll be sorry.’ He said, ‘Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, ‘Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.’ – Emo Philips
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe. – Emo Philips
