On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. – Erma Bombeck
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. – Erma Bombeck
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. – Erma Bombeck
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. – Erma Bombeck
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. – Erma Bombeck
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? – Erma Bombeck
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. – Erma Bombeck
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. – Erma Bombeck
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you. – Erma Bombeck
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. – Erma Bombeck
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. – Erma Bombeck
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. – Erma Bombeck
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’. – Erma Bombeck
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. – Erma Bombeck
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. – Erma Bombeck
What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? – Erma Bombeck
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. – Erma Bombeck
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. – Erma Bombeck
