I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. – George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. – George Carlin
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did. – George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it. – George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done. – George Carlin
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. – George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. – George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think. – George Carlin
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. – George Carlin
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat. – George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, ‘I haven’t got all day,’ I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? – George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work. – George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam. – George Carlin
‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence? – George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. – George Carlin
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it. – George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? – George Carlin
