I don’t know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I’m onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years. – Gilbert Gottfried
I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, ‘Who’s idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?’ – Gilbert Gottfried
I found out about Jonathan Winters’ death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashian’s divorce before she did. – Gilbert Gottfried
I used to go to the Improvisation Comedy Club every night in Times Square. How I didn’t get killed in that area either means that 1) God is watching over me or 2) I am so insignificant to God that he didn’t bother having me killed. – Gilbert Gottfried
If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, don’t laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if that’s funny, then you laugh. If it’s not, you don’t laugh – or at very worst, you can leave quietly. – Gilbert Gottfried
I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn’t mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn’t keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I’m not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it? – Gilbert Gottfried
There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows. – Gilbert Gottfried
I guess if they ever do a remake of ‘Sophie’s Choice,’ I could play the Meryl Streep part. I’ve got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I’ll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy. – Gilbert Gottfried
With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like ‘The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,’ doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club. – Gilbert Gottfried
Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn’t have the best eye for detail – and, for a Jew, he doesn’t have the best eye for retail, either. – Gilbert Gottfried
I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it’s crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it’s laughing. Nowadays, we would say, ‘How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.’ – Gilbert Gottfried
If you’re a lead actor, people are just waiting to say ‘you’re too old’ or ‘you’re too unhip.’ If you’re a supporting actor, you can just work forever. – Gilbert Gottfried
A lot of people who claim they’re political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions. – Gilbert Gottfried
I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there’s going to be a dinner. – Gilbert Gottfried
One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors – it was people with little ribbons on their lapels. – Gilbert Gottfried
The ‘Phoenix Sun’ did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He’s a terrorist, hasn’t bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor. – Gilbert Gottfried
Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I’d imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, ‘What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.’ – Gilbert Gottfried
The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they’re a good sport. – Gilbert Gottfried
When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters. – Gilbert Gottfried
I can’t even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked. – Gilbert Gottfried
Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They’re gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world – they’re gone. – Gilbert Gottfried
If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house. – Gilbert Gottfried
