If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope. – Henny Youngman
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. – Henny Youngman
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. – Henny Youngman
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. – Henny Youngman
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest. – Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. – Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. – Henny Youngman
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first! – Henny Youngman
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. – Henny Youngman
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. – Henny Youngman
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me. – Henny Youngman
