I once knew a girl who didn’t know where anywhere was in the world. Not a clue. I asked her if she knew where Africa was and she answered, ‘Is it the orange one on a map?’ – Matt Roper
I like a decent funeral, and God knows in my family we’ve seen enough of them. Looking through family photographs now is like watching an episode of ‘Dad’s Army.’ – Matt Roper
I have two vintage typewriters. One just about works and the other hasn’t a hope in hell, bless it. But they’re both beautiful, and they’ll stay with me just as long as there’s a roof over my head. – Matt Roper
I’ve spent so much of my adult life in relationships that it’s actually quite pleasant to be alone at last. I turned thirty-six the other day, which staggers me when I think about it. – Matt Roper
Looking through family photographs now is like watching an episode of ‘Dad’s Army.’ My relatives seem to drop like flies around me. Who’s next? Will it be someone I can’t stand? – Matt Roper
If comedians were truly free of repression, there would not be an inherent need to perform for the love of a roomful of total strangers. – Matt Roper
Milk which is just about to turn is akin to that moment spent on the cusp of failure in a dulled and fettered relationship. – Matt Roper
Successful writers say you should never work from a desk with a view, and the view I have from this one is a huge distraction. There’s a garden bursting with fresh vegetation, and just beyond the high wall at the end of it, I can see the sign of the local pub across the road. Distractions, eh? I’m so easily led. – Matt Roper
Here I sit, beneath the large window of a first-floor Georgian flat, exploring the corridors of my sordid imagination for comedic words of beauty. – Matt Roper
