I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who’d spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it. – Paul Merton
My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I’ve endured over the past twenty-five years. – Paul Merton
In 1986, I was attacked in the street as I helped Neil Mullarkey from the Comedy Store Players to put up posters. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time – midnight – and we were English. I got kicked in the head. – Paul Merton
Generally speaking, politicians are an odd bunch. They seem to have very thick skins and genuinely don’t care what people think. And charm is a very important part of the politician’s armoury. I try to resist that kind of charm. – Paul Merton
I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? – Paul Merton
When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don’t have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I’ve won. – Paul Merton
At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during ‘Meat Is Murder.’ – Paul Merton
When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I’d eat ten daily – marvellous. – Paul Merton
I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties. – Paul Merton
When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations. – Paul Merton
I think having an outsider’s viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian. – Paul Merton
On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn’t he said, ‘Do you mind if I mug you here?’. – Paul Merton
When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn’t about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. – Paul Merton
The thing about improvisation is that it’s not about what you say. It’s listening to what other people say. It’s about what you hear. – Paul Merton
I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn’t? – Paul Merton
In fact, I don’t watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it. – Paul Merton
Maybe there’s a perception of me as grumpy old bugger who suffers from depression. It’s a total misconception. I don’t think of myself as any grumpier than the next person. I’m not even grumpy first thing in the morning. – Paul Merton
In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism. – Paul Merton
I’ve never been disappointed by politicians. I’ve never invested that much in them in the first place. – Paul Merton
Beginning with a trip out to Ellis Island, I saw for myself where thousands of European immigrants took their first steps onto American soil, bringing with them nothing but their ambition: people such as Erich von Stroheim and Adolph Zukor. – Paul Merton
