Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot. – Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. – Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. – Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. – Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ – Phyllis Diller
The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. – Phyllis Diller
