Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire? – Rita Rudner
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. – Rita Rudner
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. – Rita Rudner
It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. – Rita Rudner
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. – Rita Rudner
I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, ‘I gotta go to Broadway.’ – Rita Rudner
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. – Rita Rudner
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? – Rita Rudner
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
It wasn’t that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. – Rita Rudner
The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it Jumping up and down. – Rita Rudner
I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I’ve gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends… one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. – Rita Rudner
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso. – Rita Rudner
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose. – Rita Rudner
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner
I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn’t notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I’m letting him keep it. I’m saving money! – Rita Rudner
The logic was, there weren’t too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. – Rita Rudner
My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head. – Rita Rudner
Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner
