Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they’re fun, they do things together, they’re best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom. – Tim Allen
In the last three years of racing I’ve met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it’s the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn’t have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best. – Tim Allen
Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end.’ Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. – Tim Allen
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. – Tim Allen
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously. – Tim Allen
I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system? – Tim Allen
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison. – Tim Allen
I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar… I’d pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I’d go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did. – Tim Allen
I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I’ll do it because it’s a moment that will stick with me forever. – Tim Allen
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. – Tim Allen
Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. – Tim Allen
I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children. – Tim Allen
My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn’t have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best. – Tim Allen
In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers. – Tim Allen
The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels. – Tim Allen
