Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. – W. C. Fields
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. – W. C. Fields
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. – W. C. Fields
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. – W. C. Fields
Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil. – W. C. Fields
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for. – W. C. Fields
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. – W. C. Fields
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. – W. C. Fields
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler. – W. C. Fields
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. – W. C. Fields
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. – W. C. Fields
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. – W. C. Fields
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. – W. C. Fields
